I’ve heard it said that
during a near death experience
like a car crash or an overdose
you see your life pass before your eyes

not me, I become filled with a sense of calm
it’s on those long empty nights I drink alone
that I look back
70,000 beers ago to when I wasn’t afraid

14 shitty jobs
5 lost loves
4 states
and 3 belt sizes ago to when I was young and still held hope

19 arrest warrants
23 fist fights
and 27 years worth of wasted nights ago when the sun came up as it is now
in spite of my need for it to just fucking wait a little while

It’s on nights like these that I understand
no matter how many
tears I shed
or beers I drink
or pizzas I eat
or sheets I stain

I’m still going to die

so for now
in the absence of love
in lieu of you
while I am alone
and god is sleeping

I settle

for the slow
cool
burn
of whiskey
and a cigarette for the fear